Here I go, dropping incredibly deep revelations as always: There is a lot in this life to be afraid of.
Sometimes I feel like running out into a field (the nearest one is at a major intersection, so it's the perfect place for performance art) and screaming at the heavens "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!?!?!!?!?!????!!!!" Of course I do nothing of the kind because I know that is not all the universe got and I don't want to tempt fate. But sometimes I try not to overwhelm people with the sheer number of shit that is wrong in this poor little white girl's life. Divorce (paperwork, emotional overwhelm, feelings, learning to do all the things Zach has been doing these last 10 years), work contract ending, doctoral degree stalling, cross-country move during a pandemic (Uhaul, packing, mail forwarding, internet setup before I get there because #quarantine), buying a car in a pandemic (car insurance, towing equipment for Uhaul, taking it to the mechanic for repairs), getting an apartment without seeing it in person in a pandemic, a global pandemic, a trip to the emergency room - my first since childhood - which led to the discovery of benign uterine tumours the largest of which is the size of a 4-month fetus, which last discovery explains why I've spent the last year feeling like I have to pee all the time...
But you know. In the present, in the now, things are good. I have access to tax-funded healthcare (aka that radiologist? That gynaecologist? That ER doc? FREE). I live in a beautiful, safe apartment with lots of natural light. In an unexpected turn of events- which I believe proves there is a God - I live with the one sibling who I could still laugh and have fun with after 6 weeks in self-isolation (sorry guys, but you know it's true). I am receiving spousal support. I have access to the internet capabilities of a small village. I have the sweetest little puppy who forces me to get out of bed between 7-8:30 every day or suffer her wrath (and tiny bladder). It's springtime. I have so many beautiful friends. I can go to therapy on the interwebs. I'll soon be moving close to my mother's amazing cooking.
Sometimes I feel like running out into that field by the intersection and screaming "THANK YOOOOOU!!!!!" at the universe. Buuuuut then I remember all the stuff from two paragraphs ago and decide it's better to just do nothing.
And besides, my new thing is holding contradictions, so I think I can be hypothetically yelling both those things at the same time.
Despite all my fear and the much-ness of it all, things are turning out. I have to remind myself of this because the fear is so blinding. An acquaintance is selling their old-but-good car to me for CHEAP CHEAP. It needs a little work, but nothing huge. And the car is so cheap that the cost of the work on it will bring it up to just one CHEAP. But still cheap. I found a basement apartment for CHEAP. The landlady has a vegetable garden and says I can help myself. I know! It's clean and quiet and there are no carpets so my allergies rejoice. Sure, there's a shower in the kitchen (for real), but I'm choosing to see this as a hilarious feature and conversation starter. I think I'm christening the apartment The Cave of Wonders. Hopefully it will up my street cred to have something vaguely suggestive.
I see how much there is to get done and learn about in the next few months and I feel so afraid. But you know, I have made it this far in my life and car insurance, phone plans, and job searches are not going to be what pushes me over the edge.
I was reflecting with some friends from school that I am a different person than I was 5 years ago. This DMA has changed me. I can be mean now, I am a fighter, I am tough as nails, I cry when I need to, I hold contradictions and don't need to resolve them, I know myself better, I don't need other people to like me (as much). My therapist said the other day she was proud of me for the processing I've been doing lately and that I probably wouldn't have been able to process this way a few years ago. I couldn't agree more. I can see the rules as the constructs they are and do what I think is the right thing. I am 10,000X more aware of racism, ableism, sexism, and homophobia. I'm learning how to fight those things in myself and in the world around me.
So that's all. Nothing big. Just everything, it seems. It's a wild time, folks. But I am here for it.
I love adventures.